"What's in it Wednesday" Dove Beauty Bar

My mother and I have taken up making our own goats milk soap. She has two milk goats at her place and well, there is always a steady supply of fresh raw goats milk so why not soap it. Before now she and I were both fiercely loyal to Dove brand bath bars. It was in fact the standard we wanted our goats milk soap to achieve in order for us to continue to bother with it. She wanted me to look at a dove bar for my what's in it Wednesday this week and see how our bars compare. I used ewg cosmetic database for all my research. What I expected to find was some fats lye and additives and that is pretty much what is in the bar. Basic soap is made with oil lye and water.  You can do it at home pretty easily. Well as long as you are careful with your lye. The result is amazing and unlike commercial soaps the glycerin that naturally occurs hasn't been striped out for use in more expensive products. 


So the break out of dove bars 11 ingredients are...

Tallow - animal fat probably beef but could be other animals. 
Sodium lauroyl Isethionate - Ester based (synthetic) cleaning agent. 
Stearic Acid - Natural fat from farm animals possibly euthanize cats and dogs.Lauric Acid - fatty acid used as an emulsifier in soaps Sodium Stearate - Viscosity Increasing Agent , helps the soap keep it's shape.Cocamidopropyl Betaine - used to condition and clean the skin but is also known to be an allergen and a mild toxic to  the immune system. Sodium Cocoate - coconut oil and lye saponified.Sodium Palm Kernelate - palm kernel oil and lye saponified. Fragrance - undisclosed mixture of various scent chemicals and ingredients used as fragrance dispersants. Can be mildly toxic or irritating to the skin.Tetrasodium Etidronate - Emulsifier. Titanium Dioxide - Colorant inorganic and hazards come from inhalation mostly.



5 ingredients on the list are Fats ether fatty acid or saponified fat from the soap making process. While that is mostly ok, for example, when I make soap I use coconut oil and palm kernel in the bars I don't use tallow or livestock fat as much but I am not apposed to trying out a bacon fat bar of soap for fun. Based on the list of ingredients I would guess that the coconut and palm are being used at a much smaller percentage that the tallows or other animal fats mostly because they are cheaper. The higher the quality of the fat the higher quality of the soap bar but also the more expensive the bar is to produce. 

Sodium Lauroyl isethionate (synthetic detergent)
Sodium Stearate - hardener and strong cleaner
Cocamidopropyl Betaine - known allergen
Fragrance - (who knows what that really is)
Tetrasodium etidronate - This is actually more of a preservative as it is intended to stabilize the other ingredients. If you are selling mass quantities of soap this makes sense as your shelf life and there for time you have to move your product increases. So for me not necessary.

The ingredient I am most on the fence about it Titanium Dioxide. I have seen this for sale from my soap making supplier. It is a colorant and makes soap a deep opaque white color. I read one concern that it is a inorganic compound. Chemically this just means it lacks carbons. By this standard water is inorganic so that is not my concern. What is hazardous is inhaling this material.  I think if you were to work with it in it's liquid form you would probably be just fine. I haven't yet decided if for me it's worth it. I like pretty soaps but they don't have to be white in order to be pretty. 

So that is it. For the record we love our goats milk soap bars and while we continue to tweak with the recipe I can tell you I won't be going down the soap aisle at the store any time soon.

What to try your own soap bar at home and love the dove brand I would suggest this you-tube soap making tutorial. She has her own breakout of the Sensitive skin variety which is a little different than the ingredients I have listed above. The basic things are the same though.

The Summer School Chemistry Project.

So today is memorial day and in addition to being a holiday it is also the first day of the first week of no school for me and my kids. I am very anxious to establish a summer routine for the kids and so we didn't really do anything too amazing to celebrate (besides an extra special dessert of giant Oreo malts after dinner that is). In an attempt to get the ball rolling I began the kids "summer home-school".

I wanted to brush up on my chemistry this summer.  I thought a good way to do it would be to go though my old organic chemistry text book from two semesters ago. I also thought that it might be fun to splash in some chemistry lessons into my kids summer school. So after searching online I found quite a few experiments but no organized approach to teach chemistry. At least not one I was wild about or wanting to spend money on.  So then it hit me.  Why don't I go thought my chemistry text book with my kids. The obvious reason not to is that it would be too complicated for them. But who says they have to learn everything in it? I could review and teach them some basics all at once. So I busted out the book and turned to page one.


I looked though it and realized that by skipping the "math", focusing on the chapter intro topics and using the figure examples it would be a really great basic chemistry outline for kids and a great review for myself. Another good reasons to use a textbook is no matter what the kids ask about I will have the answer in front of me with pictures! It is also very cheap. I know text books are known for being expensive but only the most current one's are.  As soon as the new editions hit the value of the old books drop dramatically. The same book I paid big bucks for 18 months ago is now $3.50 used here at abebooks.com. I am using the one written by Frost, Deal & Timberlake but I am sure any general chemistry book would work.

The first less is on matter, volume and mass. I am going to try and document my lessons with my kids just in-case someone would want to replicate the course with their own kids. I am also going to really try and use just what I have on hand (and therefor what you may already have on hand) for the lessons. Since it is for young kids it is also going to be all hands on.

Lesson One: Matter

Materials list

Balloon or gallon plastic bag

Rocks or any small heavy object

Kitchen scale (set to grams preferably)
Pen &Paper 

Lesson 1 Objective

Explain that everything in the world from the air we breath to the ground we walk on is made up of matter. also...

Matter has both Volume and Mass.

Volume - The amount of space that is taken up by an object or matter.

Mass - The amount of matter in an object measured by weight.


Hands on Experiment:
Have the kids weigh the different sized rocks and write down how much they weigh. Have them put them from smallest to biggest. Blow air in the bag so it is much larger that the rocks. Have the kids weigh the bag and write it down.  Now ask which has more volume. (The bag) which has more mass? (the rocks you use should weigh more than the bag of air.) My older daughter wrote on the paper as my son weight the rocks. It may take some time to explain to younger children. They will tend to always pick the bag as it is biggest so it must have the most of anything.  Keep having them use the scale to show them that bigger is not necessarily more. If you have more time you can have the kids grab some different sized toys and things to weigh and put them in order of heaviest to lightest and then reorder them in biggest (most volume) to smallest (least volume).

I set the timer for 15 min and when it beeps we clean up.  I don't want the kids to get board with one subject, so I do the time limit. There is no reason to have one lesson not take up a few days to practice and let it sink in. Unlike regular school, summer school isn't about getting a curtain amount of material covered, anything you do with the kids is just bonus. We do Math and English every Monday - Thursday and I pepper in Geography, Chemistry,  History, Art, Music, Nutrition, Puzzles and Crafts. Just with whatever I have on hand. I only do 3 or 4 things a day with them for about 15 to 20 min each. Friday we have "off". I am hoping it will go well trying to teach both the preschooler and first grader with basically the same material. After today I can see the biggest challenge will be getting Bella to hold in her answers long enough to get Liam to respond to something. While no where near perfect I think it will be still be worth the effort.

Lesson 2: States of Matter

Material List

Ice

Thermometer

Clear Glass Jar or Coffee Pot

Clear Plastic bag

Rubber band

*Stove (obviously be careful when dealing with heat and children)

Lesson 2 Objective

Explain to the children that there is 3 major states of matter and the differences between them.

Solids - particles in a solid are arranged orderly and tightly together they move but only slightly. Solids have visible volume but the shape of a container has no effect on the shape of a solid.

Liquid - particles in a liquid are close together but move around each other freely. Liquid has visible volume and it's shape will be altered by the shape of it's container however the volume will remain the same.

Gas - particles of a gas are far apart from each other and bounce off each other and the sides of the container. Gas has no visible volume. Gas will fill all the available space of a container it is put in and take up more or less volume based on the size of the container.

 

Hands on Experiment A

Show them the above picture. Take ice from the freezer and place in your jar. Note that the shape of the Ice did not change. Secure a bag over the top of the cup with ice and remove as much air from the bag as you can. (I pushed the bag down into the jar.) Place the jar on the stove and turn on the heat to a low med. Have the kid watch as the ice melts, note that the liquid is taking on the shape of the glass). When the water begins to boil it will fill the bag with steam (note that the gas is now filling the space available to it). After the bag is full of steam remove from heat and allow the bag to cool. Show the kids the outside from the outside of the bag the water that is returning to room temperature become liquid again. after the glass has cooled to warm rather than hot put it the cup in the freezer. After some hours show the kids that the liquid has returned to a solid state. (Please heat and cool the glass and water slower than faster as thermal shock can break glass.)

Hands on Experiment B

The state of matter is affected by heat! Explain that all matter has a freezing point and a melting point. These two points determine what state the matter can be found in. It is at different temperature for different things. Have the kids measure the temperature of ice water, room temperature water and then a glass of hot (but not boiling) water with visible steam coming off of it. Explain to the kids that even metal has a melting point. It is just a much higher than the melting point of water. If you would like you can look up the different melting points of things on the internet. Gold silver copper ex. Tell them even things that start out as gas like air and nitrogen can freeze and become solids or liquid. As a bonus and if you have a sub zero in your area you can take the kids to see how liquid nitrogen is used to make ice cream.

The "ONE RULE" of laundry

Since recovering from chemo I have slowly taken back house hold chores from my husband who has been a one man show for almost a year now. First I would do a load of dishes here scrub a bathroom there and eventually I found myself doing everything I used to do except the "laundry". By now the jig is up and my husband has realized I am more than capable of washing and folding so he too had stopped doing laundry and we sort of ended up in a clean underwear stalemate. Mostly I was thrilled to return to the land of the living and was so grateful to have the ability to do chores again.  You don't realize how awful it feels to not be able to take care of your home and family until you are unable to do so. This has really brought to light how much I really truly and deeply hated doing laundry. Even with my children crying for cloths and my husband begging for work shirts I just seem to refuse to have the time. So the last few of weeks I have acknowledged that I many never find a way to really enjoy laundry like... well... Actually I don't know anyone who doses but I am sure this rare domestic unicorn exists. So in an effort to not turn to disposable paper underwear I have been experimenting with finding ways to make laundry not so much as fun but at least more maintainable.

Here is what I learned, there is one most important nonnegotiable rule of laundry that must be followed under any circumstances. That I will now refer to as the..."ONE RULE"

Behold the "ONE RULE" of Laundry.

You shall fold the cloths right out of the dryer and put them away right then and there!

If you do not follow the"ONE RULE" you will be doomed to wash and fold clean items that fell on the floor over and over again until the end of days.  It really isn't that bad to follow the "ONE RULE".  It only takes me about 5 min or so to fold one load (10 if it involves socks 3 if it is towels)  and then I am free again.

Here are my lesser rules of laundry that help me follow the "ONE RULE" and are also just good to do.

Fold laundry in the room it belongs in. 

I wash me and my husbands wardrobe separate from my kids because they belong on opposite sides of the house. I keep a basket by the dryer fill it and walk to the room the majority of the basket belongs in. Towels and rags are folded in the bathroom or kitchen.  I fold and put it away in the same room so I am not tempted to just fold the laundry on the sofa while watching Dr. Who and then walk away from the piles to be knocked over, unfolded and or dropped on the floor. (I know we have all done it, well, all of us except that dang domestic unicorn.)

Wash towels, rags and bedding in-between loads of outfits and underwear. 

Since towels and bedding are so easy to fold it helps keep me motivated to follow the"ONE RULE". 

Get the kids involved.

This is a rule that is not intended to make the laundry go by faster. To the contrary, this can add an element of frustration that rivals solving for x in this equation.

So as you attempt to watch as your 4 year old struggles to fold a rag in half and then in half again without ripping it out of his hands and yelling never mind!  Just breath and think of this time as an investment in future loads of laundry you will not have to do. I want my future college student to come home from school to visit me. Not to come home with 3 or so weeks worth of dirty laundry and expect me to wash and fold his underwear while he plays video games in the next room (you have all been warned). 

Make it routine.

Before bed, when I wake up, before I shower. Try to find a trigger that works for you. Being from a family of 8 I remember my mom used to set the kitchen timer to go off every hour and 15 min on bi-weekly laundry days. For me and My family of 4 doing one or two loads a day keeps me caught up. Just find a strategy and stick with it. Sometimes it's not my hatred of laundry but rather I just don't remember to do it that gets me in trouble. This also is a good way to avoid having to rewash a load because it became sour. Side tip - vinegar is the way to get that smell out.

Keep Your Wardrobes weeded down.

Simply by donating or throwing away things you don't wear or stuff your kids have grown out of you will have less laundry to do. Additionally the "ONE RULE" is easier when there is room to put everything away. May I suggest...

 "My easy weed out method".

It is simple. Get caught up on laundry and make sure every bit of everything is washed and neatly squeezed where it goes then... wait. Do no laundry whatsoever. After 8 to 12 days the cries of I have nothing to wear will begin. When this happens immediately go to your draws and closets and pull out everything that is still in them (church and special occasion clothing excluded). Check the floor for things that were tried on but discarded. I use this not just for my kids wardrobe but my stuff as well. We all have that shirt we bought on sale washed once and then hated. It hangs in our closets unworn and unloved. Free yourself of it and things you might fit into...someday. It just all sit there in silent judgment of what we had for dinner the night before. No one need that. The reality is when you do get into that size again you will want to buy new things to celebrate the occasion. Unless it's that pair of jeans you wore in high school. Keep that. If you get back into that you will wear them. Maybe not out but the potential of that victory is worth the closet space.

Now my final tip is for moms of infants to about 2 or 3 years old. 

Your on your own. 

I mean it. If you have a baby or a very young toddler not even the "ONE RULE" can save you.  I am sorry but there it is.  You should close the door to the laundry room and come back to it in a year or two. Babies are only babies once and even though it may seem like you are never not going to have a tiny person attached to your hip or boob I am here to tell you that it will end.  This is of course bitter sweet news but there you are. In the mean time wrestle with your toddler or snuggle your baby on top of your piles of laundry, use the sniff test regularly and don't stress.  

"What's in it Wednesday" - It works Hair Skin & Nails

So I liked the idea of taking an expensive product. Breaking down the ingredients and finding better, faster, stronger, less pricey consumer purchasing or DIY options. If you are the kind of person who loves spoilers just scroll to the bottom for my final verdict.

At the request of a friend I am going to break out the ingredients for the It works Hair Skin and Nails.


As not to overwhelm you with the 28 ingredients at once I will group them into smaller more manageable categories. First off, the non - digestibles or fillers. Microcrystaline, Steraric Acid, Croscarmel lose and Cellulose.

Next I eliminate ingredients that provide taste or function (like keeping the pills from sticking to machinery) Peppermint oil, Stevia, Magnesium stearate and Silica.

Now I will weed out the Calcium ingredients Japanese Seaweed & Calcium carbonate. Not to say calcium isn't important to someones diet. It's just not something I am attributing long lush hair to.

The next category are the "boosters" or ingredients that increase circulation or provide anti oxidant properties. There are also anti inflammatory, and super-oxide listed in the ingredients. Grape Seed Extract, Goji, Haemoto Coccus, Melon pulp & Olive Fruit extract. Not that anti inflammatory or circulation enhancers aren't good for you. They are, and unlike the fillers they are possibly contributing to someones overall health which would improve the condition of someones hair skin and nails. However, not so much in the dramatic way we are looking for.

Next the "Deficiency" Vitamins. These are the vitamins in which "if" you have a deficiency it "may" cause hair loss dry skin and bad nails. The idea being the abundance of these items would then in theory strengthen hair. While that is a good theory sometimes enough of something is just that and more will not inflict any impact. I think perhaps they are just banking on a percentage of the population to be deficient in one or two of these. Then by filling the deficiency the person would in fact see dramatic improvement in their hair skin and nails. For what ever reason though they are in the supplement.
 
Vitamin B6  - - - - - - 200% DV
Biotin - - - - - - - - - - 1667% DV 
Pantothenic Acid - - - 200% DV
Zinc - - - - - - - - - - - 133% DV
Maganese - - - - - - -  200% DV

A note on Biotin. Research on biotin is incomplete at best however deficiency is very uncommon (you body only requires 30mcg a day vs the 5000 mcg found in Hair Skin and Nails). Biotin has never been found to reach toxic levels in the body so no maximum recommended dose has ever been set. It is thought that an abundance of this vitamin will cause hair to grow faster skin to firm and nails to become stronger. Thus you have the mega dose found in this product.

So now that leaves us with 8 ingredients that should serve some direct function to providing longer hair, stronger nails and nicer skin outside of treating a vitamin deficiency.

Hair skin and nails has 2 collagen "enhancers" one is called Gotu Kola Extract. Clinical test show that it helped produce collagen in wounds and promoted them to heal.  It also is considered a viable treatment (although further research is needed) for treating circulation problems. It has also been linked to several side effects from nausea to in really high doses liver problems. The other collagen enhancer is Vitamin C. Plain old Vitamin C is a key ingredient in collagen production and is pretty much impossible to over dose on, at least not in a way that would cause lasting damage.

The next 2 ingredients are the skin supporting antioxidants. Alpha Lipoic Acid is an antioxidant that improves skin among many other common antioxidant benefits. It is actually thought to be very helpful for diabetics insulin and nerve pain. However it also comes with a slew of possible side effects ranging from rashes to interference with thyroid medication.  The other antioxidant is Vitamin E. Vitamin E has a long list of possible benefits ranging from better skin to repairing nerve damage after chemotherapy. All in all it is pretty much safe under the 400 IU a day line. At 400 mg it is a little more than half of the 400 IU dose. I would just be careful not to pair the It works Hair Skin and Nails with and additional Vitamin E supplement.

Besides the possible effects of 5000 mcg of Biotin the last 4 ingredients are likely to be the ones most responsible for hair growth, stronger nails and better skin.

Selenium - Is amazing for hair care especially when combined with Zinc. While too much could cause big   problems enough is essential for healthy hair.

MSM - Like Biotin MSM has some lofty claims and mixed reviews. While inconclusive and understudied    MSM is suppose to be magic ingredient for thick hair strong nails and gorgeous skin. It also, like biotin, doesn't seem to build up to toxic levels in the body so is considered safe to take well above the bodies required amount.

Fo Ti -  This ingredient is the one that gives me the most pause.  Although the research is inconclusive fo ti is thought to prevent early grey hairs and some hair loss.  The bad news is that is has been linked to cause massive liver damage. The scary part is that because it is listed under the proprietary blend all we know for sure is that the dose is less than 400 mg.  How much less is unknown.

Horsetail extract -  Horsetail is one of those wonder herbs that has been used for over a century for     everything from urinary tract infections to bed wetting. It also is believed to do wonders for your hair.  Wellness Mama even has a horsetail hair rinse recipe that looks like fun. While it should be avoided in some cases (pregnant nursing women or if you have kidney stones). It is pretty much safe to use.

So... is there something that will give similar if not better results for less than 55 cents a pill?

Verdict: YES


Spring valley Hair Skin and Nails ($11.95 for 120) or Futurebiotics Hair Skin and Nails ($15.08 for 135) are both good. The only ingredient I wish they had in it is the MSM. Plain MSM is $7.99 for 120 count. So if you paired the two pills you are still spending under $20.00 for double the number of caplets. It comes with all the "deficiency" hair loss vitamins and minis the Fo Ti.


The big winner I would have to say is Country Life Maxi-Hair Plus. At 16.54 for a 120 count it hits the mark for price (about 14 cents a pill).  It also comes with the full strength of biotin and the MSM. The only big difference is that it is missing the manganese. I wouldn't be too bothered by that though because unless you are deficient in manganese (which you are likely not to be) this will work just as well.

Also if you want to try out the biotin theory on it's own. 5000 mcg of plain Biotin pills can be ordered for $5.99  (90 count).

There is also a Caster Oil treatment that is suppose to be amazing. I use the Caster Oil in my shampoo bars but have yet to try it as a hair treatment.

*Disclaimer*  I am sure there are other brands out there and if I come accost one or two I will do an update. I just want to note that my research for this post was done mostly on America Cancer Society and Web MD. This is not an effort to give medical advice or to treat anyone's condition. I am simply comparing one over the counter vitamin blend to another. I haven't done a full account of everything in the alternative hair skin and nails products. I was only looking at the noted ingredients found in Hair Skin and Nails by It works.

Bring on the Beets

I have another small batch canning adventure...

with beets.

My in laws always do a very huge garden every year. And by huge I am talking about 1 whole acre. Their beets this year have come up in droves. We thinned 2 laundry baskets worth of beets and greens. It barely made a dent but I didn't want to process any more than that for the time being.

So I found a nice pickled beet recipe at Allrecipies.com  The original recipe calls for a whopping 12 pounds of peeled sliced beets. (No thank you) I am not prepping beets for the end of days here. Also, if I was prepping food for the end of days I don't think I would choose beets.  I think I would go with brownie mix and Doritos. Because really, who is going to notice a few extra pounds on my hips when the world is on fire anyways?

I am not trying to speak for everyone here but I do not eat beets 1 quart at a time.  At best I use 4 or 5 slices on a salad maybe 2 times a week.  So small batch it is. I will adjust the recipe to call for just 4 lbs of beets.  Personally I think 2 to 4 lbs of something is a really nice small batch size. This will make 8 half pint jars of beets or 4 if you half the recipe.

1 3/4 cups white vinegar
1 1/3 cup sugar
1 1/3 cup water
1 1/2 teaspoon pickling salt
1 teaspoon ground cloves (optional)
2 tea ground cinnamon (optional)

4 lbs of sliced beets

I like this recipe for 2 reasons. One it isn't calling for boiling the beets before putting them in the pickling brine so I feel like less nutritional value is lost to the water that gets dumped down the sink. Second I like the combination of cloves and cinnamon over just one or the other. I will also make half the batch without the spices for more savory salads.

Well that's it. Combine brine ingredients bring to a boil add beets and simmer for 15 min or so then follow the sterilizing and canning process.

Just Enough Volcano Roses

These are my mothers Day Roses.  

They are from Bouqs. 

They are also some of the prettiest roses I have ever seen. The roses were grown on the side of a active Volcano so the cool factor of them is pretty high as well. Mothers day was really nice this year.  I got a cute homemade necklace from Bella and some cute pictures from Liam. I am now in the position where having more children is not only improbable but foolish I have a renewed sense of gratitude for the children I have.  I have also been blessed to not have an overwhelming sense of wanting more children.  I think being not just satisfied but really enjoying what you have, as though you wouldn't take more even if it was offered to you, is the best head space to find yourself in. I think Merry Poppins said "just enough is as good as a feast."  That is how I feel about my children. Like my simple pink roses I love them and wouldn't want anything more, perhaps when they wilt I will used the dried flower petals in my soaps so I can enjoy them for some months to come.

Small Batch Jam

Homemade V.S. Store Bought

I am all about DIY saving money and so on.  Some things however are worth your time to make not only because it is cheaper but that the homemade version is just so much better than anything at the store.  The other reason to home make is that you can add a little special touch to something you otherwise wouldn't get at the store. After all the items at the store are there to make someone money. So adding expensive bonuses to the items may not be as profitable for them. DIY doesn't have to be hard or time consuming ether. After some simple set up the doing it yourself can take less time than a trip to the farmers market.

I learned about small batch canning form the kitchn.

I grew up with a mom that canned. Canning days were all consuming filled with boxes of apples and giant pots boiling all day long.  The kitchen was hot and sticky and gross.  So I never really picked up canning because one - I don't have a big pantry to hold 200 plus jars of applesauce and two - It would take my small family of 4 about 5 or so years to consume that much applesauce or jam or anything else really. So when I saw this site and the small 4 cup batches of jam and jelly, well this had my interest. With about 45 min of work I could get 6 months or so worth of breakfast jam.  This sounded doable. So I gave it a go.

My recipe

4 cups strawberries
3 cups sugar (I think I will use only 2 next time. It turned out a bit too sweet)
1/2 of a split open vanilla bean (this is the special touch I added real vanilla bean is so good)
4 1/2 Tablespoon Pectin

the only thing I didn't have on hand was pectin
I also go a couple of tools.  I little stick magnet for pulling lids out of boiling water. Also a Jar lifter.  These were worth the $4 splurge.

If you want a step by step canning process Ball has a good one. They also have a great pectin calculator.
It makes it easy. you even can pick the fruit you are using and so on.

It took me about 1 hour in all.  I think next time it won't take quite so long since this was my first go. So yeah that's it. Yummy homemade jam and still time to write in my blog all in one night. The only thing is I will now be investing in several more "baby" canning jars.

The Cancer Club

When I was first diagnosed with cancer (like within the first 20 min after hearing the words) I remember being really worried I would turn into one of those cancer fun run enthusiasts (for reasons why see above). Considering what I was up against it probably should not have been on my list of worries but there it was.  I was just  really genuinely concerned, as though someone from Live-strong was lurking around the corner waiting to assign me a pink shirt with a number. They would then hold me at gun point as I would be forced to run 5K after 5K.

I didn't want to ever say "My Cancer" as though it was a pet of some kind. To be attached to it emotionally. It was embarrassing to me.  I was too young and too healthy to have the big C. It was some sick joke and I didn't want to be a part of it.

In truth I now realize, what I was worried about was that something good might have the audacity to come out of being diagnosed with cancer. It was such an awful blow to be hit with. I felt like God had lost his mind. My Grandma Lois always said things work out for the best and I believed her. But this was different I knew she didn't mean cancer. I wanted to show God he was wrong to have allowed this to happen to me and the only way to do that was for nothing good to ever come from it.

I went to my monthly group meeting last night. I love going and being involved with my "survivors club." Thankfully they haven't asked to, but I would strap on pink tutu and go running with them any time.  It's hard to explain it from the other side of it. I can't say I would ever recommend to anyone that they get Hopkins lymphoma "because it's totally the best cancer ever!" But even I have to admit that it hasn't been all bad.

Endothermic Life

Hi I'm Kelvin

Exothermic:
In chemistry exothermic is defined as a chemical reaction that produces heat. Heat is in its most basic form is movement. Specifically the motion of atoms. In contrast, endothermic is a chemical reaction that absorbed heat. We think of putting things in the fridge to add cold but really cold is simply removed heat. Kelvin (this dude here) came up with absolute zero. Which is the point that an atoms is no longer in motion.

So one thing you should already know about me at this point is that I am a geek. I don't watch big bang theory, I live it. I often surround myself with bigger geeks and dorks (aka some of my extended family) to give myself an ill-gotten sense that I am really cool. But deep down I know the truth, I am a big geeky geek who has just enough self awareness to try to hid it most of the time.

The reason I named my blog "Endothermic Life" (besides being a giant chemistry dork) is simple. Life keeps moving. It produces heat, sometimes more than we would like and sometimes less. We don't get to choose all the events and people that we are mixed with in this life. We do get to decide how we will react. Every min of every day we are deciding and reacting.  Sometimes situations and people are so endothermic they literally suck the heat or movement from us. I have been there. The only way to overcome it is to become Exothermic. To keep moving. This is what I want from my life. Beautiful movement by living in a balanced way that produces constant warmth for those I love around me.

As for what this blog is about... Well it's pretty much going to be whatever I crap I want it to be.  After all, it's mine. I am not setting any perimeters. I am not going to pretend I don't swear or that my house and kids and I are living on some alternate plane where it never rains tears and that life is always presentably peachy. Were every craft turns out as though it was produced by Martha herself and that you should feel both in-adequate and in-awe of my domestic prowess. This is not at all my goal. 

I am writing this as though it is being read but to be totally honest my blog is really not for anyone. Please don't take this the wrong way but as a cancer survivor I don't spend nearly as much time as I used to worried about how I may being coming across to people. This blog is for me and my sanity. To organize my thoughts and feelings. The reason I am making it public an sharing it online is less selfishly motivated. I recently graduated from a cancer transitions group. It was there that I realized how universal our feelings and experiences really are. While we are unique there is so much magic in others vocalizing to a tee how you feel. It's as though it is an exothermic reaction. You become warmer and life seems more doable.